Oh Canada. . . Why God Hates You


Came across this insightful piece from christwire.com. The article is by Susan B. Xenu. Although over 80 years old, she is still a woman of unparalleled intellect and passion. She brings this spiritual fire to every aspect of her life.

This is the perfect example of American religious fucktardness. As a Canadian, I'm not even offended. It's just unbelievable. Here's a teaser, but do click on the aforementioned link to read the whole thing. You won't be disappointed! :P

This one's for my fellow Canucks, as we will all burn in Hell, especially French Canadians like me! By the way, it's Canadia. Not Canada. Here we go:

One of America’s most trusted allies is to it’s north, Canada. But should it be? Should we trust these people? In my experience Canadians are up tight, godless, racist, communist, jerks. It is my intention to show you why God is ashamed of this sinful nation that has turned its self from Gods moral and correct teachings.

[...]

Canada has an open border policy with people from Muslim lands. This is why it was so easy for the Al Quida terrorists of 9-11 infamy to come into America and ruthlessly murder over 3,000 people. Liberals think that because Canadians are typically white Anglo Saxons like us that they can be trusted. So the border with Canada is virtually unprotected for thousands and thousands of miles.

Muslims come from hot desert lands. Why would any of them want to go to a frozen waste land? There is only one answer to that. To stage terror attacks on America. It is bad enough that the muslims are all staging invasion in Canada but they are starting to pour into America. The City of Dearborn Michigan is teeming with them. In fact there is a new show on cable called “All American Muslim” that shows us what these “people’ are up to. Expect an article on that sin filthy show coming soon.


[...]

Canada is a liberal nation of atheists. They imprison and fine Christians for speaking their views.

[...]

America was founded with guns. Our nation has a long and proud history of using guns for defense against aggressors (such as England of Canada early on) and for procuring food from hunting. Americans still use guns for defense and hunting as well as sport and collecting. We love guns. We know that they are tools and unfortunately like all tools can be used as deadly weapons by the wrong people. But we as a nation do not go around banning the use and sell of hammers and wrenches…or guns.

Canada is different. Canada does not love guns. They are a socialist nation that trusts their government to protect them. So they have allowed their nation to take their guns away.


[...]

Canadians love to talk about how racist Americans are. Listen to a Canadian and you would think the whole country is like Mississippi in the 1950’s. But the truth is we are all Americans and love one another. We may have disagreements occasionally but we are all one happy American family when it comes right down to it. But not Canada.

Just like Mexicans are pouring into our borders, Asians are entering into Canada and the Canadians don’t like it. These poor squinty eyed refugees are going to Canada, packing freighters and cargo ships for a land that they have been told is open, friendly and accepting. But it isn’t.


[...]

Hockey is the worst sport in the world. With the exception of Soccer. Only Canadians could come up with a supposed sport that involves men figure skating with sticks and putting little black things into stylized puckered butt cheeks.

Speaking of racism, why didn’t they have one single person of color on their winter Olympic team? America is such an accepting land we have plenty of dark colored people on our teams. Speaking of winter Olympics, what in the world is curling? If people are going to play a sport where you sweep something then women should play that sport. Sweeping is a woman’s job. Why do Canadians insist on blurring the lines between sexual roles?


[...]

As if Canadians of English descent isn’t bad enough you have Canadians or French decent too. We all know that the French are more perverted deviants than the English, so if the English Canadians are as bad as we have seen, then imagine how disgusting it is to live in the French part.

Not much is known about French Canadia as they speak a foreign language. What we do know is that they are clustered in an area known as Quebec. Church attendance in Quebec is low
.

[...]

It all boils down to the fact that Canadians hate their selves. They know that they are wrong. They know that they are sinners and they wish they were us. America saw what England had become and decided that we didn’t want any of it, any longer. On the other hand, Canada decided to stick with the monarchy. Because of this they stayed in the shadow of the queen and never had a chance to shine as their own independent light. They never got to become a major party on the international landscape.

Now all they have is Hockey, and a Navy that is smaller than some Somali pirate fleets. Canada hates the US because they secretly want to be us. This love hate feeling that they have for us is pouring over into politics. Only an insecure nation would rename Ham in their honor
.

[...]

But can Americans and Canadians come together to be one nation?

They would have to learn to be tolerant people and to respect ones inalienable rights to life, land, guns, free speech and happiness. They would also have to give up their socialist ways and embrace capitalism and the free market. They would also have to stop persecuting religious Christians and learn to live with us hand in hand in Gods love.

The truth is that Canadians are just too sinful and perverse to be included in Gods love, let alone America’s. God is much more forgiving than America. He may forgive people persecuting his beloved people, but we do not.

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Could this woman be the Yeard's mother???

29 commentaires:

Thomas Valley said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christwire

"Like similar satire websites, Christwire's stories have often erroneously been taken at face value."

Ash said...

That's so bad I'd almost think it was a Poe if I didn't know there really are people like that. The US are welcome to her.

Grack21 said...

Shit, I think you're being a little mean to the Yeard. Now, maybe she's related to Card.....

loki said...

I am a tad disappointed to learn you are French Canadian. I will cope.

Anonymous said...

Pat, you do realize this is obviously Satire ?

Morrigan said...

Satire. You've been Poe'd, my friend. :)

http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Poe%27s_Law

Sharkman said...

That was fun. Now who says satire is dead.

For the record: Number 666, Susan B Xenu, two minutes for instigation, five minutes for fighting, and a game misconduct. All at 0:00 of the first period.

I would repeat that in French, but I am an Ugly American. ;o)

dragonb said...

thank goodness that was satire.. I was worried about it for a bit...
:)

C.B. said...

After reading that article, I hate Canada and myself as being a Canadian. If I was allowed a gun I'd probably shoot myself out of guilt.

Anonymous said...

Dude! That was so a pi$$take! The writer didn't leave a single f'n stone unturned - racism, sexism, anti-musi, heaping $hit on hockey... only thing they might have missed on was the accent and the frenchies!!

-paran

Grack21 said...

Oh haha Christwire. The sad part is if that was real I wouldn't even blink.

SQT said...

Thank God it's satire.

Timothy said...

Ummmm... isn't it obvious that the website is just a joke?

Matt said...

Pat, you do know that site is written by liberal people spoofing right wing extremists? Face...meet palm. :)

Jessica ( frellathon ) said...

lol that's so stupid it's awesome.

Small Blonde Hippy said...

What the hell?! Is this for real?

Ludwig Van said...

Christwire.org is a satirical website...

Aaron said...

more "Evil Muslim" BS...

Anonymous said...

Hi Pat,

It's a satirical website

Bob (Beauty in Ruins) said...

"Canada is a liberal nation of atheists"

That's the nicest thing I've been accused of in a long time. :)

ClothDragon said...

I once read a satire railing against abortion so hard they wanted to outlaw masturbation and birth control pills. Amusingly, that was only two or three days before one of Florida's extreme right groups tried to get banning all forms of birth control on the ballot. (I think that might have been the impetus behind the bill making it harder for citizen led initiatives to get passed. -they now need 60% of the vote rather than one vote over half.) I know. Jokes on us. Now we have Scott.

Mavis said...

I love how people keep pointing out to Pat that it's Satire. Not realizing how Satirical Pat was being...

"Although over 80 years old, she is still a woman of unparalleled intellect and passion."

"This one's for my fellow Canucks, as we will all burn in Hell, especially French Canadians like me!"

I think he gets it... Do you?

amysrevenge said...

Pffft. Perverted deviant.

aderek said...

This is clearly a joke. I just can't tell if Pat is in on it. If so, you have a very dry wit.

Anonymous said...

Just like Onion, will Congress take it seriously?

Jebus said...

Bahahahahaaaa! Sucked in Pat, you got completely suckered in!!!

Anonymous said...

Man, I was "all in" until the denigration of hockey and especially soccer. That lost me.

This reminds me of "Blame Canada" from the South Park guys. Funny.

Marc said...

If you like this sort of stuff, check out Landover Baptist's website. I've seen them treated as a true religious sect too, instead of an over-the-top parody.

fan du CH said...

I LIEK UR SITE BUT UR A lOVEABEL IDIOT.

Would you know satire if it hit you in the face?